Our Story

With my diagnosis late last year followed by 4 ½ months of chemotherapy starting in January it hadn’t been the best start to the year. However, the events over the last few weeks with my mother’s illness and her death last week has put it all in perspective.

One of the consequences of these events has been that all her children have reunited for the first time in several years. None of us lives close to each other. The current spread is Bill in Hawaii, Jamie in New York, Alison in Knowle and me in Suffolk. It has been a long time since we have all managed to be in the same place at the same time. So it has been a surprise that in such tragic circumstances we have managed to get together and have some good laughs and possibly too much wine! I know that my mother would have approved. Although Bill said that she would actually be annoyed that she was missing out. I think he is probably right.

This is a photo at Bill’s Cafe du Soleil where we all met for supper. For those reading who do not recognise all the faces, from the left they are; me, Bim, Tony, Alison, Jamie, Emilie, Emmanuelle and Bill.

We joked with my mum for years about how difficult it would be to tackle sorting out all the ‘stuff’ in her home after she had gone. It is a six-bedroom property and every room is full. Over the last few months, with my mum’s health failing, we discussed various options with her about the possibility of moving to a smaller bungalow or flat but we always came back to the issue of what to do with ‘everything’. We came to the conclusion that she could not move. Well, the reality is now on us and we have to make decisions about how to proceed. With all of us together we have been able to make some progress. I was shocked to find that my old bedroom still had loads of my things; school work, none of which was ever worth keeping in the first place, photos, toys etc. I thought I had cleared everything years ago, so I was very surprised to find it still there.

Although Ma’s home is full of all the usual sort of stuff – furniture, kitchen equipment, TVs and so on, all of these are only things. Most of which are not really that personal. However, it is the photos, slides and letters of which there are drawers, suitcases and cupboards full, which is going to take a lifetime to go through. I took a tiny amount of these home with me at the weekend and found that I was looking at some old slides from between about 1956 to 1964. I was born in 1962, so I was too young to remember these photos being taken, but they do bring back warm happy feelings, rather than sadness. I have managed to transfer some of these old slides on to the computer and they really are of a different age. I have put some online at http://gallery.thebethams.com if you would like to see them and I will try to add more later as time allows.

Having spent a little while looking through these photos it has made me appreciate what an idyllic start I had in life. Although I have always known this, it does no harm to be reminded. There were lots of cousins and friends to play with, long hot summer holidays in Cornwall on the beach, I am sure it never rained there! When we were at home we had great birthday parties. Tony said that the photos make it look like we were part of an Enid Blyton adventure story with ‘lashings of ginger beer’! I do not think he was too far from the truth.

I have only scratched the surface of a house full of memories, but at this stage I feel I just need to say thank you to my parents, Harry and Sheila Betham for the amazing start they gave me (and Alison, Bill and Jamie) in life. Thank you.

Sad News

If you read my previous post, you will be aware how seriously ill Ma has been over the last week. Last night the inevitable and rapid deterioration in her health continued. Having been with her all day we had decided to go for a bite to eat at my brother Bill’s, Cafe du Soleil but before we had a chance to finish eating one of the nurses from the hospice rang to say that Ma’s breathing had changed and that it would be best if we returned to be with her. We hurried back and gathered around her bedside. The nurse talked us through what we should expect to happen and reassured us that she was in no pain.

Even though Ma was finding it much harder to breath the Hospice nurse told us that she might keep going for many hours. Ma finally gave up her fight for life at about 10:20pm. She was surrounded with her family. We were holding her hands and telling her how much everyone loved her as she left us. She passed away peacefully. Our biggest regret is that Bill and Emmanuelle had been unable to be there in time, but we kept in touch with them all the way. They arrived home this morning and we have all been down to see her this afternoon.

I don’t think there is much else to say at this point except thank you to all those who have visited or sent messages of love to Ma in her final days. Naturally she has always been loved by all her family but it is so comforting to know how many close friends she has made over the years who will miss her, as we will. We are now starting to make plans to give her a big send off and a celebration of her life.

This photo was taken just a few weeks ago with my sister, Alison and is how we will remember her.

Well, this is a different blog as it’s not about me this time. This time it is all about my mum, Mrs Sheila Anne Betham or ‘Ma’ as she is to me.

Unfortunately Ma has not been well recently. She has had quite a long history of operations, the most recent was to have a replacement heart valve. In the past she has had a new knee, new hip and she had a major operation removing bowel cancer several years ago. Since her heart op, she has not really been right and has suffered from dizziness. This has led to her losing her appetite and becoming quite frail. Just over a week ago her GP saw her and decided she needed to go into hospital to have further investigations to find out what was causing her dizzy head. She was taken to Ashford hospital and spent eight hours in A & E before being admitted. Thank you to her God daughter, Mary Murdoch for being with her the whole time.

I travelled down and spent the day with her on Wednesday on the ward. I was quite worried to see how weak she had become in comparison to the week before. Ma was sent for a ct scan on the Thursday morning and then transferred back to Canterbury hospital in the afternoon, which we were happy about as her friends could visit her more easily here.

On Friday afternoon we were told by the doctor that the scan had shown a small tumour in her abdomen. Even now we thought that will be no problem, she will just need another operation to deal with it like she did last time.

Bim and I came down again on Saturday to see her. We picked fresh strawberries from the garden and brought a pot of sugar to tempt her with, knowing that this one her favourite things to eat. We were very shocked to see how much she had deteriorated since seeing her three days ago. She could not face anything to eat, not even the strawberries. Since then it has been a bit of a blur, but the consultant decided that this was not going to be curable and that actually it was secondary cancer in her liver.

Our first thought was that we should get Ma home to look after her there, as the ward in the hospital was busy and noisy. We did not feel she was receiving the care she deserved or needed. It all felt very impersonal. This would have been better than staying in the hospital, but luckily one of the nurses suggested moving Ma to the local Pilgrims Hospice in Canterbury. The was arranged and she was transferred here on Tuesday at midday.

Our first impression of the hospice was so positive. Ma was settled in a lovely ward, it is so peaceful and the staff here are really accommodating. One of the first things that happened was the nurse brought a jug of water and a glass. The water had ice in. This might be a minor thing, but it was a sign of the attention to detail paid to every aspect of the care here.

Ma’s bed was wheeled down to the conservatory garden room for the afternoon and with the patio doors wide open she could feel the breeze and hear the birds outside. She was able to open her eyes just briefly to be able to see the garden. I have added a few photos of the view. There are plenty of sofas and comfy chairs for all of her visitors to sit and chat and we think this must be comforting for her to be able to hear familiar voices around her.

The medical staff here have been very caring for Ma. They have made sure she is comfortable and given her a flowery nightie to wear, rather than the hospital gown that she was given before. She is now on a continual morphine dose which is relieving any pain she may have. We have been told that she does not have very long left to live but we are sure that she is in the best place.

Ma has had plenty of visitors, Jamie arrived back from New York this morning. Having flown overnight he has had no sleep yet today. William and Emmanuelle are on their way from Hawaii as I write this. They are due to arrive tomorrow.

We had a very moving moment this afternoon. We are again in the garden room and the Curate from Ma’s local church arrived and said prayers for her and anointed her with holy oil. We all stood around her bed as he prayed. I do not have a religious bone in my body, but I found this a really emotional time and I know Ma will be happy that he came to pray for her. So thank you Steve for what you did.

None of us really know what to do at the moment as we are just waiting for her time to end, and we don’t know how long that will be. We just try to carry on as normally as possible.

I have added a list of those that have been to see Ma so far.

Visitors

Mary Murdoch, Alison Fenn, Tony Fenn, Lucy Fenn, John Betham, Bim Betham, Dan Betham, Ellie Betham, Jamie Betham, Luke Betham, Jane Canning, Carol Friday, Adrian Betham, Alison Howard, Steve the Curate, Eileen Booker, Barney the Vicar, Jim Stitchbury, Kirsten.