We first started to write this blog with the intention to
keep everyone updated with John’s treatment as it was becoming difficult (and
draining) to regularly phone/email family and friends with personal
updates. We have been quite touched with
feedback that we’ve had from people (some who we have never met or spoken to
before) saying that our accounts have been informative and helpful to
them. Having gone through the chemo
treatment we realise that the purpose of the blogs has now evolved, and,
although we are not posting as frequently now, it actually helps us to put into
words how we’re feeling.

As John said in his last post, up until a few weeks ago we had
got to a stage where we were not being honest and open about our fears for the
future. Our aim to remain upbeat and
positive came at a cost, and eventually resulted in a break-down weekend which actually
did us both the world of good. Since
then we have found that it helps to allow ourselves to have what we’ve come to
call ‘a moment’ which consists of a few words, a cuddle, a few tears, a giggle
and then back to normal. When John was
first diagnosed we knew that he needed to train me up in how to deal with all
the things that he routinely does, for example banking, paying bills, passwords
for many things, and numerous maintenance tasks that he actually enjoys (so I
don’t need to). We both found this very
difficult and as a consequence put my ‘training’ on the back burner as we both
found it too painful. We now find it
easier to address things as they happen, and I’m gradually learning how to do
things (that makes me sound like a precious, incompetent flaky who never does a
thing!). In his typical organised way,
John is compiling a house maintenance manual for me. A task this weekend was to
change the fridge water filter. John
calmly showed me the slightly tricky technique to get the filter in place and
commented that I’d remember the conversation in years to come. That brought on ‘a moment’, which led into
another as I was transported into the future, facing a solitary ‘moment’ with no
one to have the important cuddle with.
Things like that are scary.

Another consequence of our situation is insomnia. Neither of us sleep too well now, and feel
very pleased with ourselves if we wake in the morning having slept
through! So, a few random thoughts that
we deal with in the wee hours:

·
DON’T PUT THINGS OFF. I’m sure we’ve all heard of people who face
life-changing events that say ‘live life to the full’. We say ‘of course – good advice’, but then
carry on as normal. You have to face a
life-changing event to understand that statement and actually do something about
it.

·
We spend our lives being so busy with work. We get into the habit of saying ‘yes’ to
work, to the detriment of personal time, enjoyment and fun. It’s too easy to feel exhausted by the time
the weekend comes, and then spend time recovering and doing chores ready to
launch into the next week. We now say ‘no’
to work more, and don’t find reasons to not do fun things. That’s not to say that we don’t put in 100%
at work, but just less of it. John is
loving the freedom of not working full time and having fewer dreary
commitments. If possible give it a go –
it’s great!

·
Miserable, negative, needy people are
draining. Best avoided.

·
Was it Anthony Hopkins that said ‘no one is
getting out of here alive so you’d better enjoy it’? How right he was.

·
Be nice to each other. I now get very irritated when I see couples
arguing or being nasty to each other.
Have a cuddle – spread some love, and say ‘I love you’ more.

·
America is doomed. I’m afraid I’m lost for words when 17 innocent
lives are taken, and the argument from the US is that gun control won’t work, giving
an incomprehensible reason that ‘well you can kill someone with a pencil’. My fear is that their warped answer is to arm
teachers and students to defend themselves.
There is no hope for a country that has corrupt politicians funded with blood
money from the NRA. Thank the lord that
we are on the civilized side of the pond.
I will have to leave that (worryingly unwinnable) fight in the capable
hands of lovely Nicky Douglas – what a thankless task she has.

·
Holidays are great – the more the merrier!

·
Appreciate and respect nature.

·
In an utterly bizarre way, we sort of feel lucky
to know that we have a few years to live life to the full. It’s too easy to just tick along and put
things off for the future. You could
drop dead tomorrow and never get the chance to do all those things that you’ve
been putting off. Do it now.

·
Drink more red wine.

·
It’s too easy to feel the need to squirrel money
away for a rainy day. If the rainy day
comes don’t be afraid to spend it. Our
rainy day has come, so we’re going to put up a robust umbrella, don our bright
coloured wellies, and have great fun splashing in the puddles.